21 (The House that Built Me)

I have been wanting to blog for over a week now… with little to no inspiration. I think I found it though. 

“How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before it’s June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?” – Dr. Seuss

 Time flies faster than you can think. Suddenly that little girl you knew yourself to be is 21 years old with just a memory of what brought her here today. 

 Sometimes, in my mind, I am still the 8-10 year old girl who played all day at camp. Playing with the animals (new kitten hunting!), imagining things to be much different than they were (don’t you know bikes are horses and anywhere is a castle?), speaking pig latin thinking no one knew what we spoke of, barbies and dress up, star wars and lord of the rings, and quite honestly being the spoiled little “camp kid” that I was! 

 Being back in MI I have been able to go visit that very camp I did all those things at. It holds so many memories for me. It is however, not the camp I used to call home. This song always makes me cry because this camp was my “house”. 

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can. 
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am. 

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it 
this brokenness inside me might start healing. 
Out here its like I’m someone else, 
I thought that maybe I could find myself. 
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave. 
Won’t take nothing but a memory 
from the house that built me.

I never thought I could leave that place. Now it has been almost 9 years since we did. It still will always be the place that built me though. 

 While the camp is different I have been able to find a part of me that got lost a few years ago. The child side of me. The side that can still imagine life is a fairy tale. The side that can get the work done fast because there is a great big world waiting to be explored. 

 Having moved many times in my life that camp was more consistent than even any house we lived in. While some go back to the home they grew up in. I go back to the acres of woods, sand hills, waterfront, and cabins I grew up in. Every inch of it has a piece of me left there. 

 Life moves on and you have to let go of these things. I can’t hold onto the camp but I have to hold onto the memories of the place that built me. I would not be the now 21 year old I am if not for that place (and all the other places I have been in life and people I have known). 

“Sometimes you will never know the value of something,until it becomes a memory.” – Dr. Seuss

 Now, here I sit. With the rest of my life ahead. Officially past my childhood. I just hope I never forget the things my childhood has taught me. May we always live in “neverland”. 

“To live will be an awfully big adventure.” – J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Advertisements

Happiness

“I was so upset, I forgot to be happy.” – Eeyore, Winnie the Pooh

I couldn’t have said it better than the above. 

I found this to be 100% true at our trial last weekend. My mind was *not* in the game. I honestly don’t think I have ever had an agility weekend like that. I found myself lost on course. I have never in my over 4 years of agility felt that way. The course usually feels like home and I know where my next step will be (even when its not the one I had planned). This weekend I found my self spinning barely making it from one place to the next. 

We met some goals this weekend. Others were just out of reach. 

I found myself not feeling happy. I found myself dwelling on the bad. Skye got his freaking OAJ we have been working on for 2 1/2 years and yet all those things I thought I would feel and that would be as good as a MACH for him. I found myself barely even recognizing we Q’d. I couldn’t get past that we had a awful standard run and that I no longer have contacts or start lines on him (no idea where they went…). 

I also couldn’t get over that after a couple totally awesome trials with Leap (though still a lower Q rate). I found us on our last day with nothing to show for our runs. 

It made me think about what I want in agility. 

Of course every agility person dreams of being that perfect team and making the world team (congrats to all my friends who where at try outs by the way!) or going to invitationals or getting those MACHs/ADCHs/NATCHs/etc. 

However, I feel I made my focus too much on that. I told myself I wanna do that. Well, thats a great goal. I just skipped the middle. You know what I found? That middle. It’s important. Its the ride of your life and the moments that make that ending spot. That perfect run. 

“Don’t think and don’t worry. When the times comes, you’ll know what to do.”  – Helen Parr, The Incredibles

 

When our time comes. I will embrace it with all we are. Now is just not our time. I am working on accepting that fact. Because the now, is not to be missed. It is what will make our moment the best it can be. 

“You just need to believe in yourself.” – Rex, Toy Story 2

So to all my other “1 Q a weekend” friends. Or to my “Forever in Open/Novice” friends. Enjoy every moment. Don’t let your sites on the future… make you miss the *now*. I sure regret that I missed my weekend. I let my thoughts get into my now. 

Luckily, by the last runs of the weekend for both dogs I looked down at my hand and remembered. Its why I wrote what I did on my hand that morning. 

“Excelsior”

Ever Upward. We can’t go up if we aren’t first down. Each run and each day is a time to just enjoy and slowly take those steps to our future. 

“This is what I believe to be true; you have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining” – Pat Solitano, Silver Linings Playbook

I got my silver lining. Leap gave me her best run ever and Skye gave me his best run of the weekend even though it wasn’t a Q. While I still am struggling. I feel like I made a step in the right direction. A step towards the now and not the later

“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.” – Cinderella