Days of Melancholy

Like many of these posts, I have no idea where this post is going to go. I just feel like I need to write. I need to spill out some thoughts I have been thinking.

God, Your plan is the best
But my heart is a mess
I’m wondering why You have me here
I’m so ready to be moving on
In my head I’m already gone
But Your voice is crystal clear

I told some friends the other day that lately I have just been feeling weird. Not happy or truly sad. Not excited or shocked by anything. The best way I can describe it is Melancholy. A steady feeling of just defeat and sadness (but not the weeping depressed kind). Not necessarily in a bad way. Just in a stage of transition. A waiting for the next step. A feeling of loss of direction.

I was told a few things in the last few weeks that probably should have made me do something. React in SOME way. Good or Bad. Yet, I found myself doing nothing. Literally sitting there, unfazed by any of the chaos around me. Some, I reacted to later in private. It took awhile to sink in though.

I think we all have these times. I think we all know these feelings. What you choose to do about it is the key to who you are though. Will you fall into your own sadness and defeat. Or will you rise above it and move on.

I can’t share the things on here that have had me feeling this way. Not exactly anyways. Most of it has to do with loss though. Or so I have decided through my prayers in the last few days.

Loss of friends, loss of some sweet girls in my life who truly have taught me many things in a short time, loss of direction, loss of my joy, loss of strength, and many other things.

Along with the things I DON’T have that I feel I have “lost”. Which, I am once again reminding myself, those are things I need to let go and look at what I DO have. Really, that applies to the loss too. I need to not look at my loss, but instead my gain.

Yes, the loss is/will be hard. Extremely hard. There is a reason for all of it though. Because maybe that little girl needs to impact another life and maybe another little girl needs me even more now (and I need her). Or maybe that loss of direction is really a call to step out and find it. And possibly, in all that, find my joy also.

Sometimes, it is just waiting though. We think that we know what we need to do. When really, we are not ready for what God has in store for us next. So we have to sit and wait. Maybe feeling a little defeated or sad. Maybe feeling happy with where we are not wanting a change. Through it all, we are being prepared though. Prepared for the next part of life.

I am called to be where I am right now
In the middle of the storm but I have no doubt
You are here with me, You are here with me
And I won’t give in or second guess
I’m trusting You with every step
Father, You are here with me
Where I am right now

I can’t even honestly form anymore words beyond that. Because I am working through it myself. When I get past it. Maybe I will make another post. For now though I leave you with this.

So take my questions and my fears
All of them, I’ll leave them here
Though all my answers will not come,
Still I will trust in You
I will trust in You

Stay strong. Keep Going. God is with you. You will make it through these days of melancholy.