One little five letter word with so much power. I get exhilarated and then scared every time I push that little button to start a new post. Its a great release but also terrifying to bear so much of my thoughts to “no one” but yet every one.
I know I have said this before but many times these posts have no real direction when I start them… This post. What you are about to read. Is vey different though. These thoughts have been in my head for months. Until now, I was not ready to let them out though.
At the start of this year I had picked a song that I thought should be “my song” for the year. I heard it and it spoke to me. It moved me to tears for weeks when I played it. I had just found out some difficult things about people very close to me and this song just played constantly in my head.
The song was “Tell your heart to beat again” by Danny Gokey.
Just a few months later, I would realize the full impact of this song. The fact I picked it as my song for the year only became ten times more clear.
In March 2016, after a long battle with Dementia, I lost my Grandmom rather suddenly. I think we all knew she was getting worse. I think we also all thought we still had time though. Even if it was a different kind of time. She was no longer cooking big meals for us and struggled for many words. However, up until just weeks before she left us she was living at home and even when she went into the nursing home was walking and eating on her own. Time is a crazy thing. We think we have control of it but we really don’t at all. We think we know when things will happen but we of course don’t. So we plan for what we think we know. Not for the present time. We thought we had time and we didn’t.
It was easy then to regret all that you hadn’t done. It was easy to sit and just be sad. It still is at times. That song, became even more to me then. Life is meant to be lived. Even through heart ache. She never would have wanted me to sit in sadness. She wanted my heart to beat again. She had given me all the love in the world to let my heart beat on. Even if she was gone. Yesterday was gone. She was in a better place, a place here she could be all she used to be and more. We had known and loved her. We all would have liked more time of course. We still feel her love and can carry it on though. Only, if we let our hearts beat though.
So I closed my eyes. I let the shadows fall away. I stepped into the light of grace. I closed the door on yesterday. I don’t live there anymore.
I learned a LOT this year about living life. I think I would not have found myself as I know me now. Had I not gone through the struggles I did this year and had to say the hard goodbyes (and hellos) I did. It was a ever constant theme in my life this year. I woke up and realized I had let my heart stop beating for a lot of years and I lived in yesterday afraid of what the future could be. I lived my life the way I did because it was comfortable and easy.
I knew there was more but I was afraid to move and get it. I liked my life and routine. I was not in love with it or where I was headed though. I learned this year, fear and doubt in yourself and others is no reason to stop living though. We were not promised perfect easy lives, but we can have great ones filled with more love and happiness than we can imagine if we reach for it. Hurt and loss will always be there, but after those comes the joy and love.
I am still working on what living life looks like to me. So far it has been a lot of stepping out in little ways. Like a new different job and finding new friends and connections. Being more open and willing to jump in. Going deeper with people than the surface talk I had played it safe with. Trying to let others see me and not hide. Which for this introvert, is a very hard thing. It is easier to keep it in. Its more rewarding in the end to let it out though.
I have plans to make even bigger steps though. Steps like taking a big vacation… solo for some more discovery of who I am and what I can do (again, big introvert homebody step here!). I am even toying with writing a book about my life. I am not a “trained” writer but I have a story to tell and I think people would like it! I am learning you have to just “make it happen”. Life is now. Live it. Write your story. Let it out. Jump. Trust that God will catch you and make all his plans for you clear. We can’t ever live and serve him if we sit in the past unwilling to move for fear of “what if”.
Your “I don’t knows” live in tomorrow. So go find them.